


Of Identity, Love and Acceptance

by putyournamehere



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Happy Ending, Other, Transphobic/Homophobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9094573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putyournamehere/pseuds/putyournamehere
Summary: Yuuri really, really wanted to be pretty.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Waddup. It's been a while. Here's some more self-projection, but this time with Yuri On Ice
> 
> Of course everyone experiences gender, dysphoria and coming out differently so this is just from my experience with gender fluidity. I originally wrote Victor accidentally finding out but you know, trans people deserve to come out on their own terms so fuck it. This is a nice happy fic where happy things happen. The homophobic/transphobic language is only in there very briefly, but be carefull anyway. Enjoy!

Victor Nikiforov was a lot of things. He was loyal, ambitious, romantic, handsome. Definitely handsome; no one could deny that no matter who they were attracted to. Yuuri was a lot of things too, although not all of them were said with good-intentions. He was pudgy, he knew that. But he was alluring, as he had discovered through his skating. He could be erotic, and genuine, and kind, and handsome in his own way.

No one ever called him pretty.

Yuuri looked at himself in the mirror. He had put eye-liner and this particular shade of peach lip-gloss on a million times though his life, but always in secret. Once, in Detroit, he had worn them out at a party as an experiment. Some people giggled and complimented him (but not genuine - it was a joke, a show, just a performance). Some of the boys scoffed and called him a fag - joking, but also far too close to sincerity. In the end everyone was too drunk to remember it, but Yuuri never tried again.

Yuuri really, really wanted to be pretty.

There was a loud bang at the door. "Yuu-u-u-uri! Are you okay? You're taking a while!" Victor's voice sang out from the door. Yuuri yelped out a quick reassurance and scrubbed his face and stashing the offending items away, before exiting the bathroom. Victor looked at him strangely as he left. "Yuri? You're face is all red. You're not getting sick, are you? Yakov is unforgiving when his skaters are sick." Victor placed a hand against Yuuri's forehead, humming.

"I'm fine Victor, really," Yuuri ducked under and made a bee-line for the door, "and we need to go to the rink before Yakov murders me for making you late."

Yuuri didn't know whether he'd tell Victor. He didn't even know what to tell. That he was a girl? No he wasn't a girl, but he wasn't a boy either. He didn't know what he was (a freak, a freak, _a freak_ ), but like always he pushed it down and buried it for the rest of the day.

 

\--

 

Victor wanted him to skate a more masculine performance this time round. Not that there was anything wrong with the charm he had pulled in his Eros performance, but it was agreed that it would be a good surprise for the audience. Which was fair; Yuuri could, with enough practice, create a naive yet masculine persona. That was what first bought Victor to his door, was it not? The gentle masculinity of his _Stay Close to Me_ performance. But... right now. He didn't feel very masculine. If anything it felt much closer to his feminine self.

_"You need to pull off that male charm_ ," Mila had winked at him with an innocent smile, " _you're a charming guy, I'm sure you can do it rather handsomely_."

Pull it off. Sometimes Yuuri felt like he could pull _this_ off. This- whatever this was. Perhaps it was impulsiveness, perhaps it was a silent and secret 'fuck you' to the world, but he dressed himself in his shirt and skater skirt that he had stashed away, puffy cardigan thrown on top. He looked... nice. He looked nice. He had grown his hair out into a mess but it suited the outfit. He dared say he was cute even. Yuuri twirled in front of the full-length mirror by the door and smiled. Maybe he wasn't a boy, maybe he wasn't a girl either. Maybe he was both and neither. Maybe he didn't have to fit himself into the binary, and the thought filled him with a sense of contentment.

"Yuuri! Did you want to come with me and Makkachin for a wa-" _Victor_.

  
" _Out_!" Yuuri shouted, shoving him out the door, "out, out _out_!" Victor's Russian home had locks on every door and in this moment Yuuri was infinitely grateful for that. He sank to his knees, breathing heavily, eyes wide as he vaguely hears Victor knocking on the door and calling his name. Yuuri didn't answer. That was too close, _too close_.

He supposed he could always tell Victor. Surely he would understand, right? Maybe not understand but he wouldn't mind. Victor's old skating outfit that Yuuri used for _About Love: Eros_ was specifically made so the gender was ambiguous. Victor wouldn't mind. But what if he did? What if Victor couldn't look at him anymore, couldn't meet his eyes without knowing what Yuuri was ( _a freak, a fag, a tranny_ ).

Yuuri shook quietly and curled in on himself, waiting for Victor to leave. Eventually, after what could've have been minutes of hours to Yuuri, the knocking and the calls died down and he heard footsteps slowly move away. Yuuri didn't move, he stayed hunched over on the floor.

This had to stop.

 

\--

 

Yuuri didn't leave his room until around three in the morning. He changed back into his grey sweatpants and sweater, carefully unlocking the door and sneaking out. Victor had returned at around twelve, knocking and quietly asking if he was alright, but leaving half an hour later when he had no response. Perhaps he assumed Yuuri was sleeping. He hoped that was the case.

Yuuri tiptoed his way through the house and into the kitchen. It was a sizeable house, not huge but comfortable, enough so that he felt he wouldn't run into Victor who was probably asleep anyway. Yuuri put the kettle on and considered his options. At least, he told himself he was considering his options. What he was really doing was trying to quell the tight knot in his stomach, telling him to do something, to stop hiding.

But what exactly was he meant to do? He never told Phichit, or even Yuuko about the troubles he had when it came to his gender. He was a secretive person by nature, and he didn't even know what he was feeling. Recently he had done research; he had found people who felt similar to him. People who felt they were neither a boy nor girl, or both.

Genderfluid. He had seen a lot of names, but genderfluid seemed... right. He tested it on his tongue a few times. It felt foreign and strange, but familiar, like he had found something that he had lost. Something that was always a part of him. What would he do if Victor rejected that part of him? Could Yuuri go on pretending to be someone he wasn't? Of course he could, but the thought settled heavy in his gut, a deep discomfort within him.

"It's a bit late to be making tea, no?" Victor said quietly behind him. Yuuri drew in a sharp breath and felt himself freeze up. He was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn't even hear Victor move from his room, and now... now what? Victor sighed behind him, whether out of tiredness or worry Yuuri didn’t know. Slowly, Yuuri turned around to face him.

It wasn’t that Victor could ever look bad in Yuuri's eyes, but he looked tired, like he hadn't been sleeping despite his exhaustion. "Victor, why are you up?" Yuuri asked, barely above a whisper

"I could ask you the same thing." Victor moved into the kitchen, reaching around Yuuri to get a mug from the cupboard. "We should both be asleep if we want to be in good shape for tomorrow, and yet here we both are."  
  
“Victor...” Yuuri breathed deeply and clenched his hands. He could tell Victor whenever, but something felt like it was bursting through his chest, burning his insides.

He took a chance.

“Victor, have you ever met someone who wasn’t quite... the gender they were given?”

Victor hummed, preparing his own tea. “Sure. I’ve met boys and girls who were told they weren’t who they thought they were. You know, like girls who were told they were boys because of their genitalia.”

“What about somebody in between?”

Victor cocked his head thoughtfully. “Now that isn’t something I’ve really encountered. I mean, I’ve met people who liked to defy gender expectations and make people question it but not someone who identified in the middle.”

_Now or never_.

“I’m not a boy.” Yuuri blurted out. Victor’s head snapped up, and Yuuri scrambled to correct himself. “I’m not a girl either. Sometimes I’m both and sometimes I’m neither but that doesn’t really matter because what matters is that I don’t think I can pretend to be one or the other and I just wanted you to know that because sometimes I like to present as a boy or as a girl and recently I’ve wanted to present as a girl which doesn’t make any sense and-.” Yuuri cut himself off, breathing heavily and staring resolutely at the floor. They stood on different sides of the kitchen while the kettle boiled. _Say something, say something, say something!_

"Don't tell anyone." Yuuri said, needing desperately to fill up the empty space, to get rid of the sensation that he was being pulled apart, "about what I’ve said, I mean. No one knows. No one should no. You weren't meant to know. That." His voice ran off into a mumble and he shut his eyes. "Just don't tell anyone."

It was silent for a few moments before he heard Victor pad over to where Yuuri was. "Yuuri..." he began, placing his hand on Yuuri's shoulders, "you know I would never say anything.”

Victor was silent. The kettle had stopped boiling and there was silence in the house apart from the distant sound of a clock.

"I love you." Victor kissed his forehead gently, making Yuuri open his eyes in surprise. "I love you, and I understand. I mean, I've felt similarly - perhaps not as strongly, but similar. And I'll do what I can to make you comfortable."

Yuuri could feel tears welling in his eyes again, and he quickly wrapped his arms around Victor, holding him close. "Thank you," he whispered, "thank you."

They stood there for a long while until Yuuri was ready to let go, and Victor went around making tea for them. Yuuri decided to try one last test of courage, just to see, just to hope. "Victor, could you use different English pronouns for me?"

Victor looked at him curiously, "like what?"

"Like... you know how you can use the pronoun they as singular and neutral. Could you... could you..." he trailed off, hoping Victor understood.

"You want me to use neutral pronouns for you?" Victor asked. Yuuri nodded quickly, and Victor smiled in response, "of course, my love. Whatever you want."  
  
A wave of relief flooded through Yuuri. They let their head fall back against the wall, watching Victor as he finished the drink and fiddling with the ring on their finger. All the fear and anxiety seemed silly now, as real as it was, because it was clear that Victor would always be by their side no matter what.

 

\--

 

"So, what do you think?" Yuuri asked, fidgeting with the edge of their skirt. It was just Yuuri alone with Victor; they weren't leaving the house and it was the same outfit Yuuri had worn alone many times, but they still felt terrified, even after everything. Victor had been so good with them, researching and asking questions. He had been wonderful. Victor wouldn’t reject him now, right? _Tell me I’m pretty_.

"You're beautiful." Victor breathed. "You're the prettiest and most beautiful person I've ever met."

Yuuri grinned, falling onto the sofa with Victor and leaning into his arms. "You flatter me, Victor."

"Please, I don't flatter you enough." Victor kissed them once, twice, and many, many more times. Yuuri knew who they were, and now so did Victor. That was everything they could have asked for.


End file.
